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The word compromise generally refers to an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions; it could also mean the expedient acceptance of standards that are lower than is desirable.

In relationships, compromise is often viewed as the latter; and statistics have shown that women compromise more often than men do in relationships. This accounts for many problems in relationships, some women go into relationships believing that it is their place to make more compromises. It is important to note that both parties are expected to make some adjustments in order to accommodate each other in every relationship.

In this article, Barton Goldsmith Ph.D. multi-award-winning psychotherapist, syndicated columnist, author, and radio host gives us 10 Reasons to C.O.M.P.R.O.M.I.S.E. in Your Relationship – and he is not referring to women only.

Here is what he says about how to take a relationship from the battlefield to blissful coexistence.

Somewhere in a thesaurus far, far away, there is another word for marriage—and it is “compromise.” Each letter in this word, which has somehow gotten left out of the wedding vows, gives couples direction in how to take a relationship from the battlefield to blissful coexistence.

C – Compromise is something that combines qualities or elements of different things. It does not mean giving up or giving in. It is a blending of hearts and minds, and that is what makes a marriage.

O – Open your heart. Even holding back as little as one percent can make the difference between a loving and a losing relationship.

M – Maximize your willingness. Just being willing to compromise will encourage new ways of relating. The space you create allows you to change in ways you never imagined. Anyone who has ever grown in a relationship will tell you it’s much better than the alternative.

P – Promise is the second half of compromise. It means to communicate your commitment and dedication to the one you love. Do this on a daily basis and you will have a long-lasting and loving relationship.

R – Release your desire for control. Giving up having to be right or getting your way will make your life much easier. In addition, you are actually giving a gift to yourself (and your partner) by releasing any pent-up anger or fear. By holding on to the need to control, you are actually being controlled by your unhealthy emotions.

O – Optimistic couples have longer and healthier lives and relationships than those who are pessimistic. Doing your best to look on the bright side, while knowing that the dark times are almost always temporary, is an attitude that will make dealing with any situation easier.

M – Minimize your defensiveness. When your partner tells you something that you may need to hear, try to listen and consider what he or she has to say before you react. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is having someone there to help you look and be your best.

I – Inspiration is one of the greatest gifts a relationship can offer. Being connected can make you want to be creative and grow in ways you may never have thought of if you were alone.

S – Selflessness gets you more than you could ever want. Giving what you want to receive is the best way to communicate to your partner what it is you desire. You may also find that by giving to your partner, your needs diminish as the love between you grows.

E – Engage with your mate. Rather than trying to ignore or disconnect with the person you love, take a giant step toward him or her. It makes the experience of being in a relationship, as well as your communication, whole.

Compromise is not a hard lesson once you realize the gifts that come from it. Learning to work together will make your relationship and your life a better place to be.

Being coupled up should not be the end goal of your personal life: Being truly happy, regardless of what your relationship status is, should always be the priority.

In fact, you’ll likely be a whole lot happier single than you would be if you chose to stay in the wrong relationship. Below, relationship experts offer eight convincing reasons why.

  1. Not all relationships are created equally.

Relationship aren’t always mutually fulfilling. If you are deeply unhappy with each other, being on your own is probably the preferable option, said therapist Heather Gray.

“Having a person in your life doesn’t mean you have real love,” she said. “When you lie to yourself and pretend your relationship is something that it isn’t, you’re hurting yourself. That lie is embarrassing and shaming. It can make you feel weak and pathetic when you don’t even believe the story you’re telling. Your truth, even the painful one that this relationship isn’t right for you, frees you of that.”

  1. Confidence and independence are traits honed on your own.

There’s a big difference between being alone and being lonely. When you truly embrace single life, you’ll start to enjoy your own company, said Neely Steinberg, a dating coach and personal image consultant. (Plus, getting to sleep diagonally across the bed is pretty damn blissful.)

“It’s really important to have some time in your life to discover how to be single, how to be alone and how to get validation from yourself instead of from your relationship status,” Steinberg said. “When you’ve had time to explore your independence, you learn to be comfortable in your own skin.”

  1. Time spent in a bad relationship is time wasted finding the right one.

Not sold on the whole “being on your own is actually awesome” argument? Think of it this way, then: You can’t find the love you deserve if you’re giving attention to a dead-end relationship.

“You have to get yourself in the right place to find the person who’s right for you,” Gray said. “That won’t happen when you’re accepting less than you deserve [from the wrong person.]”

  1. Dating around can be fun if you give it a chance.

Swiping right and actually making a real connection — or finding Mr. Wrong and regaling your friends with details from your nightmare date — can be fun, said divorce coach Kira Gould.

“After my own divorce, I wasn’t sure what I wanted in a relationship and I dated all sorts of ‘wrong’ men — and I have to say, I loved it,” Gould told us. “Mind you I wouldn’t enter into a relationship with any of them; I just enjoyed the chance to explore, and ‘try them on’ so to speak.”

  1. Being single gives you the chance to figure out what you want — and absolutely don’t want — in a relationship.

You probably don’t want to date someone just like your ex — so what do you want in your next partner? Being single gives you the rare opportunity to answer that question with a clear mind, Gould said.

“You can’t assume you know what you want. As life changes, so do we, and so do our priorities, desires, and needs,” she said. “Being single in today’s landscape gives us many opportunities to date, and to explore what sorts of qualities we like or dislike in a partner.”

  1. That newfound independence makes you more attractive to potential partners.

Nothing is sexier than a person who can handle their life, said relationship coach Lisa Schmidt.

“Learning to accept and love who you are without a man or woman in your life makes you more desirable to partners,” Schmidt said.

  1. Staying in the wrong relationship is a recipe for sadness.

“There is nothing more painful than to feel lonely while in the same room as the person you’re with,” said Gray.

  1. Because ultimately, relationships don’t guarantee happiness.

Happiness lies within yourself, not in any would-be soulmate, said Steinberg.

“The truth is, a relationship will never bring you happiness if you’re not already happy with who you are and your life,” she said. “The best part of being single is that you get to explore life on your own time and your own terms. You get to figure out what makes you happy in life.”

By Brittany Wong

Recently, I hooked up with my friend Muna, who is into a bad relationship, and when we got talking she went off about how low she feels in the strange love circle. I had to ask her, why are you still with him? Strange as it may seem, sometimes it’s not just that easy to let go. And this is not peculiar to women; I’ve had male friends as well, who found they just couldn’t walk away from a bad relationship that easily.

It’s an emotional thing, much like that old pair of slip-on you have sitting by your bedside, you know it’s so worn out that you do not feel comfortable being seen in them, but you just do not let them go.

While we sat discussing her love issues, I remembered an article I’d come across earlier in the week, and I just had to share it with her; here Karen Vogel agrees that letting go of someone you love can be the scariest and most difficult thing you ever do, even if you know it’s the right move to make; knowing that nothing is better than being in love, so it’s only natural that when you are lucky enough to find love, you do everything in your power to hold on to it”. It gets to a point where you just have to do the needful and walk away; when that’s done, Vogel shares with us 5 ways to heal and find happiness again.

Give yourself permission to grieve: While your impulse may be to ignore the pain, suppressing it will only prolong the healing process. Grief is healthy. Yes, suffering is uncomfortable, but it’s important to let yourself grieve. The act of crying is scientifically proven to lower stress and elevate your mood.

Accept that it’s over: This may seem obvious, but sadly, many of us cling to a false hope that the other person will come back to us, and things will magically sort themselves out. However, dwelling on something you have no control over will only add to your misery. Sure, you may get back together one day down the line, but it’s best to assume you won’t, and prepare to move on.“ Acceptance grounds you in what is true, which is where you have to start for any true effectiveness, happiness, or healing,” says Rick Hanson, Ph.D. “Acceptance is the foundation of wisdom and inner peace.”

Distance yourself and get rid of relationship reminders: It’s helpful to think of this time as a cleansing period. Many people have a hard time letting go completely and stay in touch, regardless of how much it hurts. Cutting off contact, at least temporarily, is essential for your mental well-being. Also, get rid of the tangible reminders—pictures, clothes, and songs—that can trigger nostalgia.“ Even if the split is amicable, it’s important you both go your own way and stop leaning on each other because that keeps you emotionally and energetically tied,” says life coach Christine Hassler, relationship expert and frequent contributor to MastinKipp’s Daily Love. “You prolong your healing process and may be preventing learning the lessons you need to learn by continuing to have contact.”

Don’t relive all the happy memories: Remember the reasons why you broke up. Glorifying the past will do nothing but hurt you. It’s hard to think logically when you get swept up in such intense emotions, so when you catch yourself reminiscing about your ex, shift your focus elsewhere. Keep busy and find ways to distract yourself. “Join a running group, find an intramural team, play basketball at a nearby park,” eHarmony experts advise.

“Even taking your dog for more walks is good for both the body and soul. A little fresh air can go a long way when your brain is taxed and your heart is weary.”

Anytime I’m feeling vulnerable or second-guessing my decision, I write down a list of reasons why we broke up and reread it.

Remain optimistic and have faith you will find love again: When you let go of someone who was bad for you, you make room in your life for new people and new possibilities. Starting over can be scary, you may fear being vulnerable or getting hurt again—but it is only when you truly let go that a new love can come in. Prepare yourself by staying positive and focusing on what you really want, and you will ultimately find a healthier, deeper love.

13 Little Signs you are With The Right Person

By: Carolyn Steber

Relationships have its ups and downs. Sometimes you may feel that you are with the wrong person because it could get really tough but this doesn’t mean you have made the wrong decision in choosing a partner. Regardless of all the tough and rocky times, you would be able to tell if you are with the right person.If your relationship has a few of the traits below, it’s likely you two are going to be OK. It just may require a dose of understanding from both sides, as well as some extra work to make things, well, work. And, more often than not, that’s totally worth it.

  1. You Know How to Help Each De-Stress

Like I said, life can be tough and relationships can be rocky. But if you both retain the ability to laugh about it all, you’ll likely be OK. Do you watch movies to de-stress? Or make each other laugh? “These shared experiences help couples connect in essential ways,” says relationship therapist Julienne B. Derichs, LCPC. “It helps you learn how not to take things too personally, which is so helpful in any long-term relationship.”

  1. They Always Make You a Priority

If your partner makes you a priority in life, that’s an excellent sign they’re good for you. “We all have a lot pulling for our attention these days so if you’re still at the top of the list when times are rough, that’s a sign that your partner still respects and holds you, dear,” says coach Audra R. Upchurch.

  1. Your Partner Has the Utmost Respect for You

As I said above, respect is another foundation of a healthy relationship. “Respect can carry your relationship a long way, especially when emotions are tested,” Upchurch says. “Don’t allow momentary difficulties to cloud your judgement.” If they still have that R-E-S-P-E-C-T, then you should consider keeping them around.

  1. You’re Both Still Willing to Make an Effort

The moment your partner doesn’t want to put in the work is the moment you’ll know they’ve got to go. But, if they are willing to work things out, think twice. As Upchurch says, “The desire to continue fighting is huge! That means you both still feel and see a future together, even if the vision is cloudy. There is something there that is worth holding to.”

  1. You Trust Them and Feel Secure In the Relationship

It’s OK if you two don’t see eye-to-eye on everything, as long as there is a sturdy foundation of trust. If you can trust your partner it’s a good sign they are right for you. If this doesn’t ring true, however, it may be time to rethink things.  

  1. They’re Always There to listen and Offer Support

Another sign of a healthy relationship?An ability to give and accept support.If your partner asks how you are doing, and listens to your problems without judgment, it’s a good sign they’ve got your best interests at heart. And that’s the sign of a good match.

  1. Fights Are Always Rational and Fair

While it’s OK to argue, it’s not OK to fight dirty. So consider your partner a keeper if they know how to argue in a healthy way with you.

  1. You Communicate Clearly and Honestly No Matter What

It’s been said a million times, but communication is where it’s at when it comes to healthy relationships. So, if you and your partner know how to talk (and listen), then you’re likely good for each other. They make time and effort to communicate clearly and honestly, no matter what.

  1. You Both Remain Optimistic, Even In Tough Times

Life can get as rocky as it wants without destroying your relationship, as long as you both know how to remain optimistic. If a person gets stuck in their ways or ideas, working through things is difficult. If they are open to possibility and really hearing what you have to say, improvement is nearly guaranteed.” And that’s the key to long-term success.

  1. Most Problems Exist Outside the Relationship

Things like family troubles, money issues, or a loss of a job can really impact your relationship — and maybe even lead to a few arguments. But that doesn’t mean you two aren’t meant to be together. “All of the above circumstances have to deal with how the couple handles life issues and not whether or not they are actually compatible,” says dating expert Kevin Darné. “Granted, sustained difficult times can cause one or both people to want to throw in the towel. But as long as they’re not both feeling that way at the same time there is hope.”

  1. Your Partner Shows a Genuine Concern for Your Well-Being

At the end of the day, you’re with the right person if they make it obvious how much they care — even when things aren’t so fun. “Love doesn’t disappear because times are rough,” Upchurch says. “If your partner can look beyond what’s going on in the relationship and still be there for you as a person, this is someone you might want to hold on to, even during difficult times.”

  1. Neither Of You Tries to “Win” Arguments

There are few things more toxic than a partner who wants to win an argument at any cost, so take note if yours seems to be OK with being wrong. “Having problems and talking them through, even if you just agree to disagree, is a sign that you’re with the right person,” marriage and family counsellor Art Jackson tells Bustle. “When it comes to arguments, it’s less about ‘winning’ and more about learning how to communicate your point effectively.”

  1. You’re OK With Spending Time Apart

The healthiest of partnerships consist of two people who are cool with spending time apart. So count yourself among the lucky if you know how to give each other space. it gives you time to do your things, which is a huge key to success.

According to statistics which emerged from a study conducted to mark the paperback release of The Rosie Project, a novel about a man’s quest to find his perfect wife, it was revealed that while 94 percent of women believe in true love, just 88 percent of men feel the same way.

 

Your Dictionary defines True love as a strong and lasting affection between spouses or lovers who are in a happy, passionate and fulfilling relationship. In the same vein, the Oxford dictionary sees true love as an intense feeling of deep affection. There are various interpretations as to what true love means, however, the search for a compatible partner which most women might call “Mr. Right”, often poses a huge problem.

 

Lori Gottlieb, an American writer and Author of the book “Marry Him” says, “Every woman I know – no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure – feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried. She argues that women should be realistic and understand that marriage is not a “passion-fest” but instead, a “partnership formed to run a very small, mundane and often boring non-profit business”. According to the author, older, single women often deny themselves any chance of finding happiness by failing to downgrade their expectations.

“But marrying Mr. Good Enough might be equally viable, especially if you’re looking for a reliable life companion.” Gottlieb also suggests that marriage to someone who may seem like Mr. Right could even be less successful.

 

These kinds of assertions have taken center stage in casual discussions among women as there seem to be divergent views on this critical subject. It is against this backdrop that the Amazons Watch Magazine conducted an exclusive interview with Dr. Nisha Khanna, a prominent Indian Marriage Counsellor who is an expert in family and relationship issues. Here is what she has to say:

 

What is your definition of a perfect partner?

The word perfect partner is mostly used in fairy tales or story books but in reality, it is easy to name, but difficult to prove. Actually, there is no single person on this earth who is perfect so how can we think of a perfect partner, if more or less we are not perfect at all. The perfect partner is not always perfect. A couple is incomplete without each other. One person completes the other’s incompleteness. Having a perfect partner doesn’t mean a person with similar educational qualification or similar social class or age or physical attractiveness or similar in ethnic, religion and cultural background. It is not a person you dream but it is someone who completes you, with whom you find harmony in yourself individually and as a couple together. It is a person who understands you, who helps to flourish and nourish you on one or the other aspects of life. A person who loves the similarities (like hobbies, interests, passions etc.) you share with each other and respect the differences (even opinions, thought processes etc.) A person who supports you in your high and low moments and who will be there with you through thick and thin. A person with whom you let go of yourself, and are ready to learn and unlearn about interpersonal dynamics and supports, even if it doesn’t match yours.

 

Does having a supposed right partner guarantee the security of a relationship/marriage?

Marriage involves two people along with families. I believe as a professional, the right efforts like time, patience, good communication, understanding, care, trust, respect, forgiveness, independence along with interdependence on mutual basis can guarantee the security of the relationship, not the supposed right partner. One person especially you can correct your part of mistakes and learn how to deal the situation maturely and help the other one.

Could it be said that the reason for the rise in divorce rates is as a result of wrong choices women have made?

There is no single reason for the rise in the divorce rate. Society changed, the law changed, so perceptions towards marriage also changed. In spite of wrong choices women had made, we can say women empowerment plays a major role in today’s scenario of increasing divorce rate. Economic independence of women as they realize their self-worth and started working equally like men and not ready to adjust and bear nonsense (dowry, physical & mental torture) and tolerate male dominance and deny to play the underdog or traditional role as a care taker/home maker. Law also gives and supports equal women rights. But as a marriage and family counsellor, I believe compatibility issues, unrealistic expectations, emotional disconnect, unhappy sexual life along with the mutual lack of patience, respect, understanding, ego clashes and temperamental issues are the few of the major reasons for the rise in divorce. Divorce is more positively acceptable in society. Along with all the above, high increase of live-in relationships, interference of parents (Both Girl and Boy sides), marriage against parents wish, misuse of law also plays a major role in Indian divorces.

It is a proven fact that no human being has reached a state of perfection. Bearing this in mind, what should older women do in order to win a companion?

Women should accept and lessen their list of expectations and criteria of a perfect partner. Women should learn to accept imperfections and in spite of looking for a right partner, she should look upon herself to become right. I always observed in my professional Indian settings that mostly, a woman’s life revolves around the life partner and his family of origin after the marriage. The partner’s family has very high expectations from the woman and it is not easy to win their heart. A partner is the most integral part of a woman’s life but not the whole life so women should not look up to him to provide her the only source of happiness. Women should take responsibility of her own set of expectations, her negative reactions, her dark moods and her insecurities so that she would be happy and take care of herself, partner and family in a best possible way and whenever required would be able to ignore the differences and imperfections of others.

Would you say maturity and exposure impede the process of getting the right partner?

I agree! When they are more mature and have more exposure to life and experiences, they would like to have a partner of more or less similar thought process which most of the time delay the process of getting the right partner. Because of a higher set of expectations, they would not like to compromise on a lot of aspects. They start thinking and seeing themselves as more adjustable and accommodative whereas finding others likes as immature and impractical. Sometimes they started perceiving them as children and as a result lose a good suitable companion.

What yardsticks could be used to measure compatibility or “rightness” of a partner? It has been said that the older you get the wiser you become.

Wisdom has no connection with age but still, we associate it with age. Definitely, with increasing age, we expect more maturity and intelligence to handle the situations, people, and life. There are no such yardsticks to measure rightness because every person is unique and have a different set of expectations and requirements but still there are certain dynamics of relationships on which we can measure compatibility. To measure that level of assertiveness is a preliminary stepping stone in relationship/marriage along with the feeling of being confident with your partner. The tendency to avoid issues or deal directly with issues, partner’s dominance, effective coping strategies, partner’s style and habits, financial management, time management and leisure activities are the core competencies accompanying healthy sexual life and proper division of labor in checking compatibility with a partner. Along with this, family and friend’s spiritual beliefs, forgiveness and personal stress also play important role in measuring rightness.

 

Does it follow that an older woman should have better relationships than the younger women?  

We can’t generalize the things but definitely, with younger women, it is easy to mold the habit and personality traits. As with young age mostly due to the lesser experience they have narrow outlook towards life. Older women mess less with the head as compared to younger women. They may have past baggage and their biological clock tick real fast but old women have confidence enough to handle people and situations whatever life throws at them as they are more mature and independent. With older women, it’s difficult to change the pattern and behavior but they learn to ignore most of the things with the passage of time.

 

 

 

 

 

By: Valerie Dei

Do you have someone in your life that is battling with weight loss? Or a partner that is overweight but you do not know how to help out with the weight loss journey for fear of hurting your partner’s feeling? Well, it is okay to feel this way but it is also very possible to go about this without hurting their feelings. If you have decided to take this bold step, It is very important to be gentle and non-judgmental.

Note that your spouse needs to make this decision of losing weight before you can help. When that decision has been made you can then support with the following guide:

  1. Be a major source of Encouragement: Always try to be appreciative of the little success you partner makes at a time. Research shows that people that successfully lose weight are those that had people encouraging them to keep moving. Send your spouse a text saying how proud you are or how great he looked before he left for work. Brag about him on social media etc.
  2. Be a healthy role model: Be that person your partner looks at and gets motivated to continue the weight loss journey. Do not say you look healthy and eat all the junk you can get your hands on in the presence of your partner who is probably on diet instead eat healthily. You can even volunteer to eat some of their diet foods with them, or at least taste the dishes they prepare or join him/her to the gym.
  3. Avoid using the word can’t: Rather than focusing on all the things he “shouldn’t” eat, think about how he can add healthy foods or healthy habits. For example, instead of saying you shouldn’t be taking chickens, you could say why don’t we eat salmon instead.
  4. Do not channel all your attention to your partner’s weight loss struggle:  do not concentrate entirely on your partner’s weight and forget to pay attention to other aspects of their life. Let them see that you are as concerned about them as you are to the weight problem. Let them know you care about them regardless of their size.
  5. Recognize triggers: there are several things that can make a dieter go back to the habit of overeating. Some of which are; Stress, boredom, loneliness, conflict, fatigue etc. as you take out time to figure out possible triggers try not to be one yourself.
  6. Learn about your partner’s diet program: make effort to know your partner’s diet plan; this entails knowing the kinds of foods they’re eating, how the plan works, and what it involves, such as attending meetings or participating in online support groups. Then, respect the time they want to devote to these activities.

As a relationship gets older, trust is often times misplaced or misunderstood. Most times because of the fact that majority of us before getting into a relationship do not take out time to know how much trust means to you and your partner and we also do not take out time to communicate our expectations in the relationship to one another.

Before you can build trust it is important to take out time to know the mindset your partner is bringing into the relationship or the expectations he has concerning the relationship. When these have been achieved trust becomes easier to build.

Here are 8 ways to build trust in your relationship.

  1. Trust is Earned: do not assume that trust already exists in your relationship rather constantly work to earn it by being conscious of our actions and how it affects the people we care about.
  2. Keep Secrets: this doesn’t mean keeping secret from your partner rather it means keeping it for them. Keep your personal conversations at home only bring it up if he/she initiates the conversation.
  3. Don’t Judge: your opinion on something’s may be different from that of your partner but this doesn’t mean you should judge him/ her. The fact that it is important to your partner is all that matters. Before you can build trust in a relationship you must respect your differences without being judgmental.
  4. Keep your Promises: it is important to keep promises in a relationship. When you are unable to fulfill a promise that has been made do not fail to apologize and make amends.
  5. Communicate openly and in Person: Make it a point of duty to communicate important issues in person with your partner not via chats, calls or messages because the true meaning of your message can be lost and may also aggravate the situation at hand.
  6. Become Vulnerable: Do not play safe in your relationship if you want to build trust rather allow yourself to be vulnerable. Be real with your partner that means sharing things that you often keep hidden. The ultimate sign of trust is living your truth and by doing so your partner will be more comfortable living theirs.
  7. Disagree behind closed doors: Disagreeing with your partner in public can shame or humiliate him/her. It is healthier to voice your disagreement at home in a respectful way allowing both parties have their ego intact.
  8. Forgive: there is no such thing as a perfect person we all are bound to make mistakes. Do not hesitate to forgive your partner when he/ her does something wrong and try not to hold on to past transgressions. Letting go of the hurt, accepting the apology and moving on builds a trust based on truth and love.