Let’s imagine for just a bit that someone came to you and said, “You know, I like you. You seem to be a nice, caring and helpful person so I have a request to make: I am damaged because I just got out of an abusive relationship. It was quite a nerve-stretching experience; so naturally, I am not looking at getting into any serious relationship anytime soon – but I might one day. And when I think I am ready, it is safe to hope that you may be the first person I would consider. Since I have established that I have an ‘ex’, you should be reassured of our common humanity – I do have the capacity to love; I have been there before. Given enough time, I could turn my emotional energies toward you and reward you for being so understanding. What I am saying is- ‘all I want from you now is a rebound relationship.’ I want you to help me heal; completely recover from feeling this anguish, frustration and pain and whatever post breakup conditions I may have, into a person who is ready to dip his toes into the murky waters of ‘ building a love life again’.” Chances are, you would tell them to get lost.
Personally, I think you would tell them to get lost.
I know, it may be all too easy to tell yourself that you have more self esteem to accept that kind of crappy proposition. But, if you have ever been in a rebound relationship, it is highly likely that you have accepted some variation of this rather pathetic proposal. More likely than not, this was the result of your attempt at being a relationship ‘Mother Theresa’: you felt cheated in hindsight when you considered your role of being an emotional-cushion, a snack taken on a busy day to keep the hunger pangs at bay. All you achieved was providing a safe passage to the next relationship with someone with more commonsense – in some cases, even their ‘ex.’
When you get into a rebound relationship, you are in effect a transit shelter between someone’s past and their future. In most cases – you are not in that future.
So all you end up achieving is inviting delay and pain into your life. You get busy trying to fix a problem you did not create, but also manage to avoid stamping your feet down over what you do want. You would prefer to be in a serious relationship, but you don’t want to seem too pushy to your overt partner who is still emotionally unavailable and resisting commitment despite your being there for him.
Girl, you deserve better!
The truth is, people don’t stay in rehab after they are cured. So, if they are with you just because of the fear of being alone, or just to make a point to their ex that they still have what it takes to win a beauty, or just to figure things out for themselves – they will move on after they deal will their insecurity issues. Before you know what, it may even appear you are the one who gave them emotional clarity about the kind of relationship they do not want to be in again – and they make an exit to someone else with all what you invested in them (your time, your energies, your hopes and plans, even some bits of your self esteem).
It seems so unfair and unappreciative. But, who has been unfair to whom?
You’re not the plank that someone uses to cross from one relationship to another.
If you allow yourself to be put in that role, you will, mark my words, be used as a floor mat and walked all over. It is not too much for you to get a partner who is available, who shows up emotionally, who loves you, who cares, who trusts you, who respects you and who wants to be in a relationship with you that is headed somewhere. Don’t make the sorry mistake of finding yourself in a relationship with someone whose heart is elsewhere.
You deserve someone who thinks being with you is what he has been waiting for, not someone who comes into the relationship with enough baggage to ensure there is always a roadblock to any real progress. Of course, that is not to say you are to wait for someone without any baggage – we all have our baggage.
However, wait for someone who will not use their baggage to block all progress, intimacy and availability.
You are special, you are worthy of love and respect. Refuse to Be a Layover between Someone’s Old and New Relationships.
By: Kembet Bolton.
