Have you ever found yourself wondering why it seems like you are the only one without a man, or in a relationship with a wacky boyfriend? Do you sometimes feel it’s odd when you hang out with girlfriends, and everyone seems to have this perfect gorgeous guy that cleans her dishes, pins up her hair before bed, kisses away her morning breath, buys her mum diamonds and takes off his shirt, dives into the rain to wrap up her Louboutin shoes?
Yes! I’ve wondered that too. It almost seems like everyone is dating or married to a superior cross between George Clooney and Idris Elba, these men could do no wrong. Why then do I see these cuts and scars all over the social media? Why do I see these ladies putting on dark shades in the middle of the night? How come you never told us he is married? Yes, let’s talk about that.
Let’s get this clear, I’m not judging. I have been there and I have no one to blame but myself. I could easily say I was coerced, but that would be a bald faced lie. I walked into that situation, with my eyes wide shut. I’d like to say I was just having a rebound relationship, but who am I kidding? When you get involved with a married man, you put yourself at risk. I am not a psychologist, this is a personal experience, and while many may snort their noses and use the “S” word, I’ve learnt my lesson and now I’m sharing.
A few years ago, I had just gotten out of a three year relationship, it was actually the only meaningful relationship I’d ever had at the time. I was hurt, I was bitter; I wanted to lash out at someone, and I wanted something or someone to call my own. I chose someone; A married man. Abby was attentive, handsome, wealthy and most of all, he was safe; or so I told myself. I was under the impression that I would never get hurt, because I was in “control”, I was fully aware of his marital status. How wrong I was. When he couldn’t spare his time to join me at the movies, I told myself, “that’s the way I want it”; when he was too busy to show up on my birthday, I told my friends he was out of town on business. When my friends asked me to invite my boyfriend over for karaoke night, I told them he had a bad case of migraine. I lied, I hurt and I cried some more. I spent valuable time, that I could have invested in getting over my Ex, cultivating a new bad habit. All this time, my friends had seen glimpses of him, they knew I was dating some really cute, wealthy guy, they all fantasized about having such a “hunk” to themselves, little did they know it was all a farce. I couldn’t correct the impression, how could I? “Girls Don’t Talk”. I needed to look perfect; I needed the news to get to Chike that I had “moved on”, and had I moved on? No!
They told everyone I was in a new relationship; I knew that I was in a situationship. I could not call him after 7:30pm, I could not send him texts; “and I am a very expressive person”. I had to sneak out of town to be free with him, and even when traveling out of town, I had to travel in a different aircraft. No one had to know I was with him; I skulked around like a thief. “Wait a minute, I was a thief!” because I held onto something that wasn’t mine. Time dragged on, and I told stories of his chivalry, his perfect responses and his generosity, he may have been all that, but those were half truths. I wasn’t better off, I didn’t heal, and I was hurting.
Six months into the situationship, I got a call from my girlfriend Jane. She wanted to come over for the weekend and I was expecting “Mr. Gorgeous”, I tried to make excuses, but she seemed really desperate so I let her. I however, had to put off “Mr. Gorgeous” because I couldn’t let him meet Jane. That weekend, we talked; she told me that she had broken up with her fiancée of 2 years; she was trying to get away from her environment for a while, because everything around home reminded her of him. We talked, she cried and I cried, I finally opened up to her. I told her the actual truth. Jane didn’t judge me; she made me see what I already knew. That situationship was taking up my time and it was headed for disaster. She said she’d been in my shoes and that I was headed downhill.
It took me a while, but I was able to distance myself from that situation, and the next time I went out with my girlfriends, they asked me about Abby. I was honest about him; I came clean about his status and my reasons for dating him. Yes! I was ready to be judged, I thought they would all shame me, but guess what! They all came clean about their “Not So perfect” relationships too. We became closer and when we hang out now, we don’t try to make ourselves perfect, we laugh and cry as we share our girl’s talk, because we realized; “When you don’t talk, there’s a lot of stuff that ends up not getting said.”